Need to stop!

Ok, the truth is, I still beat myself up because of the mistakes I made. Yes, everyone falls; no one is perfect. But I still judge myself too much. And I am perfectly aware that it stops me from loving God and other people with my entire heart, I've done so many mistakes and I constantly feel like I deserve all these troubles and that God is and forever will be disappointed with me. Of course, I know it's all a lie, but I just couldn't help it. I feel it, and I blog it down.

At times, I feel like I can overcome anything hurled at me, but some of the times, the only thing I'm hanging onto is His Word and promises that I hope will be real some day.

I need strength, please God. Bring me through this. I feel so alone. It really isn't easy, but I know I will get over it. The question is, when?

One thing I thank God for: amazing Christian bloggers. :)

Glorified weakness

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

Day 27. Every day is a challenge. There no consistency. One day I'm perfectly fine handling my troubles and issues, the other I just want to stay home, turn up the A/C, cuddle in bed and sleep until dinner. But at the end of the day, my Heavenly Father was always there for me. Blessed me with friends and family, with things that half of the kids in this world are no fortunate enough to own -- even though I don't get whatever I want, and sustaining me physically and mentally.

But still, I've been 'off' for 27 days now. Not a day is gone without thinking about it, how I screwed up. I feel so ashamed of it, to embarrassed to tell anyone besides a friend that have already went through what I am facing. I've prayed and ask God why. Was it me? Was it that person fault?

And it hit my today. The Bible says that in our downfall, God is being glorified. When I first meditated on the verse, God seems kinda cruel. One way God is glorified is to put us into embarrassment. And wham! Revelation. It all comes down to our human pride. You see, I cannot lose control of any situation. I need to be constantly in control. And when things go out of hand, not only everything I do goes down, but my pride goes down with me too. I hide and wouldn't let people see or know how vulnerable I am in that time.

God does not judge us. When we fall, all He wants us to do is to run back to Him. Lay in His embrace, let His peace comfort us. How would He work in us and teach us, if we don't fall? It is only through my weaknesses that His glory is made whole in my life. It is through the mistakes I made that I would feel His grace and mercy surrounding me, and because of my Father, I am a stronger person, spiritually and mentally.

He is still working on me. I am still in the process of true healing and experiencing perfect peace. And all I need was His Word and assurance to carry me through. So in the future, He will be glorified when I use what I faced and conquered to help somebody. Another life touched.

Too awkward

I feel like I need to blog more these days. Jot things down, it's good for my restless mind.

So you know those awkward situations you get? I hate those moments. I hate being awkward when I'm aware that a week ago, being awkward with that particular person was in my dictionary. It NEVER happens when I'm talking to that person.

Relationships are so easily ruin just by words, be it friendships or boy-girl relationships. Shows how much power words carry. I often think that I can just brush it off, you know, live with it. But as time passes, these little actions and words accumulate into a pile and becomes something I cannot live with any longer and I decide to shut it out, both the words and the person that said those words.

And that sucks because you have just lost a best friend. Acquaintance again?

When things change...

Just when I thought everything was going the way it should be, one thing screws up and everything is just back to square one. I blame it on myself, for not being good enough, or maybe the effort I invested just isn't enough. The thing is, when or what is enough? I am at a lost.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Everything that turns out, good or bad, is for His glory and for our good. He knows me best. All I have to do, is look to Him. Ask Him where to go from here.

I am so constantly selfish, only wanting the best for myself. We always assume what is best for us is parallel to what He knows is best for us? And when it screws up, we just give up and blame God for not being there to protect us or guard us or whatever. However most of the time, what WE think is best for us is not necessarily aligned to His will. There are things I've always avoided, assuming that it was His plan and I want it to be manifested in my life, which also is like staying within my comfort zone. Being as human as I am, I start to wander out of that zone, hence making me more vulnerable to fall. And when I fall, I constantly tell myself that have 'fallen' out of his will or plan for my life and I blame myself and God, at the same time.

But what I think is what we are doing is being our own god. We plan things like we are god and expect His plans to go along with our plans. That's not the case. There is a reason for everything. Nothing happens by accident. He already knew what was coming. You see, God can use any situation I am in, for His glory. Everyday He never stops teaching me. He uses my life lessons and teach me to be wiser, but also to run to Him to ask for His wisdom and understanding. His Word is a Lamp unto my feet, and a Light unto my path. So when we fall, yes it might be the cause of sin, but thank God for His grace we are still His beloved.

It sucks, big time. But I know he is doing something, somewhere, for His glory.

I wanna eat.

How are things doing on your side? I'm doing good, so far so good.

So it's my second year now, and final year in college. Semester 3 is treating me well so far. Subjects are less brutal. 

I miss gran. But I know now she is safely in heaven.

My appetite has gone down. I lost 2 kilos. And I thought I was suppose to gain some calories over Christmas and all. Blehhh.

I have so many things I want to say, but I'm now lost for words. Only my spirit knows. 

I wanna run off a cliff.

noideawhatimdoing

SOOOOO. How have things been. I just feel like being casual and random, because that's what I haven't been lately.

Ghosting was playing in church today. It was a good one. Which reminds me that I haven't been involved in any Christmas plays in years. Looking at the plays makes me feel so nostalgic. 

I wonder how is people doing back in FGA. Hmmmmm. Nomnomnomnom.

I just bought my first ever roll of negative film for myself. Super stoked. My Lee will be doing some snapping soon. Need to go visit coffee shops more. :)

I was just talking about Mr. X. The fact that it still haunts me till very day, is doing too well on me. Right now.

I felt sick just a few days ago. Mehhh. With the sore throat, and runny nose, and fever. Oh gosh. aksjdfhkasjfhlasfd

Oh oh! Big Bad Wolf was AMAZING. I bought 7 books. Two books about Italy. I finally have something I know would help me when I'm over there. If I ever go over with Pavithra. 

I'm in the mood for some sushi now.

I'm sorry for being as random as I am. I'm just jotting down whatever I feel. I feel so ADHD. HAHAH! :D

I'm gonna work on Christmas. 3x the regular hourly pay. Man. I need that extra cash.

Expressing over espresso

I feel like it's probably time for me to start blogging again. I told myself I have to document this moment since it first happened, but I keep forgetting to. So now while I can still remember, I will do it, even though it is 3.30 in the morning.

So one nice Saturday while at work, in comes this Caucasian guy with his Filipino looking girlfriend and he was super tall, wearing a vintage maroon dress suit. He ordered what most Caucasian people order when they come to the store, a double espresso. It was only me and Kelly in the bar at the time he came in, an no offence, but Kelly cannot make good espresso shots. So I told her that I was gonna pull the espresso when I'm done with the transaction. I don't know, I might be wrong but I think Caucasians drink a lot of espressos so they could tell the difference between a good one and a bad one. With that in mind, I carefully made my shot because it would be so so SO embarrassing if it wasn't perfect. It was done, I poured them into a little cup and served it. I told him, like how I tell all  my customers, that if he had any feedback, he could feel free to come and let me know. He took it, said thanks, and went on with his business while I went on with mine.

A short while later, he came back to the serving counter. Kelly was there. She asked him if he needed anything else, he said he wanted to give a feedback. My immediate thought was "Oh gosh, he's gonna complain about how bad it tasted and it's gonna be so embarrassing cause I'm the one making it. blablablabla." And he said it was perfect and it tasted amazing. I'm like WHHHAATT? I was flabbergasted. Literally, I couldn't find my words. No one has complimented my espressos,ever and he did. I cannot think, my brain wasn't functioning and my tongue was all twisted. I finally said thank you seconds after being in that state of shock. He said it was so good, he came back for more. This time just a single shot. Another double will make him all twitchy. So I made the shot the second time around, this time a single. And it also tasted perfect.

It was probably the best compliment I've ever gotten in my life about my coffee skills. After he left, I was on cloud 9. Kelly too. But hers was more about his looks. Looks like all the training and practicing finally paid off. My superiors should be proud of me, even though I didn't tell them instead Kelly was going on about his looks. I sure am proud of myself. Nothing beats getting the credits of worth on my honed skills. More to come, more to come. :)