Stronger.

I was recently asked why I have my these stands in life that is almost ridiculous to practice during modern times like this, when I told the person what I firmly stood on. 

I've never question myself of why I had it. It sounds so impossible, even to me, but I know it will never lead me in the wrong way. Maybe I was brought up to follow rules strictly and if something bad happens, I have screwed up big time no matter the circumstances, even if isn't my fault. Maybe it is because I want to keep my record clean, so I can show people that I'm stronger than they are.

Or maybe I'm just too afraid of freedom. Every being yearns freedom. But freedom sounds too open and the vultures might come even though I'm the strongest. I'm too afraid to fall and no one would help me up, just because I'm old enough to all that. Taking chances wasn't what I was brought up on.

It is also there so I might inspire someone out there, one day. There will be freedom as long as I stand on these beliefs and nothing can go wrong. Hopefully one day, someone else might treasure it as if it's gold. Even if no one cares, I will still appear righteous before Him, holy.

oh why

I want to run away, somewhere far from here, and start everything again. Mistakes will not be repeated. Troubles will not be there. Everything is brand new. Record is clean. No one knows who you are. A lot of things are going through my mind and it's all jammed up. I don't know where to start. I'm probably thinking too much, but it is killing my thoughts.

I promised myself I don't want to feel like shit was thrown at my face again. Yet I still let myself fall. Someone should club me right in the head now. Never should have let my guard down.

You were right. Lesson after lesson, mistakes after another. Maybe that's why I'm building a wall.

Feel Again

Had one of the greatest afternoon ever. Ok, not 'ever', but in a long long long time. I needed this one.

Sipping on amazing coffee with a slice of cake on a bridge in the mall with great company. Talking for the whole afternoon is such an ideal way to spend a free Friday. I felt really nice, this break came at a perfect time cause everything was so routine, dull, and lifeless. See, one afternoon like this would make you remember it forever. There's still this feeling in my tummy that lingers.

All in all, this company of mine, was able to make me feel again.

Leave.

I can't stand it any more. I really want to move out. I'll crack under the pressure soon, if I don't get out. I've been taking it for years now, and I can't afford to take more. I honestly wish I had a mentor. I need to tell someone.

Imagine life without shit. Your shit.

You lose hope when prayers are not answered. But I don't blame God for it for He couldn't change someone if they don't want to.

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too. -John Mayer

Thoughts

The same constant idea I've been having lately. I want to travel. Nothing thrills me more than travelling. I'm saving up and I need to travel. I wanna travel and take pictures. If my audio business doesn't turn out well next time, I wanna just take all the money and travel, take pictures and tell stories. To meet people from everywhere. Drink all the coffee from every edge of the world. But I'm starting out small first. I want to backpack travel around the east coast of the US. And then slowly all 50 states. I've talked to Lydia. At least someone is willing to do something like this with me. East coast. Yeah, east.

I found my old camp booklet from 2004. I tried searching for all the friends I made when I was in that children's camp on Facebook. I am like sucha late bloomer, probably the worst you'll ever meet. Everyone is so tall and pretty and I'm still like........this. I feel inferior all the time. I might seem like I don't care but I do have self-esteem issues.

I have been dreaming about some person lately and it's really wrong. REALLY WRONG.

3.15am.

I miss my grammy. D':

I want to just spend and entire day with bubbles and glowsticks. Eat cakes and cookie ice cream. Sing my lungs out and sleep until I've had enough of it, which I never will.

Whatever situation I'm in, there's always a purpose behind it. I might as well face it and come out victorious. Might not, but I'm considered a fighter.