noideawhatimdoing

SOOOOO. How have things been. I just feel like being casual and random, because that's what I haven't been lately.

Ghosting was playing in church today. It was a good one. Which reminds me that I haven't been involved in any Christmas plays in years. Looking at the plays makes me feel so nostalgic. 

I wonder how is people doing back in FGA. Hmmmmm. Nomnomnomnom.

I just bought my first ever roll of negative film for myself. Super stoked. My Lee will be doing some snapping soon. Need to go visit coffee shops more. :)

I was just talking about Mr. X. The fact that it still haunts me till very day, is doing too well on me. Right now.

I felt sick just a few days ago. Mehhh. With the sore throat, and runny nose, and fever. Oh gosh. aksjdfhkasjfhlasfd

Oh oh! Big Bad Wolf was AMAZING. I bought 7 books. Two books about Italy. I finally have something I know would help me when I'm over there. If I ever go over with Pavithra. 

I'm in the mood for some sushi now.

I'm sorry for being as random as I am. I'm just jotting down whatever I feel. I feel so ADHD. HAHAH! :D

I'm gonna work on Christmas. 3x the regular hourly pay. Man. I need that extra cash.

Expressing over espresso

I feel like it's probably time for me to start blogging again. I told myself I have to document this moment since it first happened, but I keep forgetting to. So now while I can still remember, I will do it, even though it is 3.30 in the morning.

So one nice Saturday while at work, in comes this Caucasian guy with his Filipino looking girlfriend and he was super tall, wearing a vintage maroon dress suit. He ordered what most Caucasian people order when they come to the store, a double espresso. It was only me and Kelly in the bar at the time he came in, an no offence, but Kelly cannot make good espresso shots. So I told her that I was gonna pull the espresso when I'm done with the transaction. I don't know, I might be wrong but I think Caucasians drink a lot of espressos so they could tell the difference between a good one and a bad one. With that in mind, I carefully made my shot because it would be so so SO embarrassing if it wasn't perfect. It was done, I poured them into a little cup and served it. I told him, like how I tell all  my customers, that if he had any feedback, he could feel free to come and let me know. He took it, said thanks, and went on with his business while I went on with mine.

A short while later, he came back to the serving counter. Kelly was there. She asked him if he needed anything else, he said he wanted to give a feedback. My immediate thought was "Oh gosh, he's gonna complain about how bad it tasted and it's gonna be so embarrassing cause I'm the one making it. blablablabla." And he said it was perfect and it tasted amazing. I'm like WHHHAATT? I was flabbergasted. Literally, I couldn't find my words. No one has complimented my espressos,ever and he did. I cannot think, my brain wasn't functioning and my tongue was all twisted. I finally said thank you seconds after being in that state of shock. He said it was so good, he came back for more. This time just a single shot. Another double will make him all twitchy. So I made the shot the second time around, this time a single. And it also tasted perfect.

It was probably the best compliment I've ever gotten in my life about my coffee skills. After he left, I was on cloud 9. Kelly too. But hers was more about his looks. Looks like all the training and practicing finally paid off. My superiors should be proud of me, even though I didn't tell them instead Kelly was going on about his looks. I sure am proud of myself. Nothing beats getting the credits of worth on my honed skills. More to come, more to come. :)

I haunt my thoughts

Never one day I stop thinking what would I be now if I had more courage. Courage to learn, courage to change, courage to live, courage to give, courage to speak, courage to love, courage to look.

I also never stop thinking of travelling. I can't wait for the Big Bad Wolf sale, coming this December. Collection of travel books will be mine.

I'm learning Italian. Just started yesterday. Learning a new language is really tough, especially when there's no one to practice with and it's self thought. I'll see how that turns out.

Mm. Italy. I'm so inspired.

Went for Food Handling Class today. I was extremely boring. I mean it could be worst. Thank God for class clowns. There was 3, so you could imagine it was a concentration of fools in a class of 15 people. Oh yeah, almost 15 months working, NOW they're sending us for Food Handling Classes. Probably means I have contaminated thousand of customer's food. 

I don't wanna go back to college.

Realization

Last Saturday, I had to help a friend by replacing her shift, which was the night shift because she was going back to her hometown. And if you don't know me, I hardly pick night shift on the days I work because I don't like it at all. I will avoid it at all cost. Once in a while, I will have no choice but to do that shift. But that Saturday night was something special. It was exhausting, like how it usually is, but something made it enjoyable.

This is usually not the case, but during that night shift my co-workers are actually my friends. Yes, I see them a lot and work with them like every Saturday of the month, but I hardly talk to them or laugh with them. I just basically don't connect with them because of 1. the English-Bahasa Melayu language barrier and 2. I also believe there is some form of racism involved. But as I try to care less and let my guard down a little, there was something nice, some connection that I never had with my co-workers. By me doing that, my co-workers too opened up. And for the first time, I really do enjoy these bunch of people that I'm working with.

You see, this thought hit me as I was doing my usual stuff at work. Sometime ago, I was someone that I could say, thought of people and I'd go the extra mile for them. Or when I have something I know I will not truly enjoy, I would give it to someone else that I know will appreciate it more than I do, even though I fully deserved and worked hard for it. And when I do, no one appreciates them or even come back to say thank you or even think of me. Hence, as human as I am, I get mad and hurt and walls will be built. I stop thinking of people and more of myself and what I want, or what I deserve, even if it's something I know will go to waste if it was with me. I stop giving. I stop caring. I stop putting in effort. Because I didn't want people to think I was to clingy or obsessive. 

I realized that it doesn't matter if no one cared. That is their problem and I feel sorry for them because they can't appreciate little blessings they get in their life. If I want to give, I give and don't think about it, don't even think about what is coming back. I feel amazing and my whole day is blessed when I do something selfless, and I will do it. For I know someday, my return will come. I need not worry about that. If it doesn't kill me or cause harm to me, I will give. My guard is down, my wall is slowly crumbling. I enjoy doing things more. I enjoy people more. I enjoy moments more. I enjoy life more. It's this heavenly euphoria moves me, it made me enjoy this night shift I had.

I'm forever grateful.

Eye on the prize

I have this constant, longing impulse to travel. It's always there in the back of my head to go out. Travelling and taking pictures is all I've ever wanted to do. I'm not talking about doing those luxurious travelling, but backpack travelling, only through that I can only soak up the culture and do see a particular place how locals see them. I need a freakin travel buddy, damn it! I'm saving up now for my travelling plans. I'm giving up buy so many things just for this. I'm slowly letting go of grooming for this, not personal hygiene of course. I cannot emphasize enough how my entire boy is itching to see the world. ARGH *smashes head against the keyboard*

Overthinking

Been on an emotional and mental roller coaster the past few days. Like seriously. It is tiring and thorough. It has also made me go for jogs to take my mind off things, which I have been slacking for over a year now. Girls overthink too much. We jump into conclusions, and that makes us think harder of fixing it or do something about it, which we don't even know if it's true.

I'm brought up with parents that have really old-schooled mindset. I think it's good sometimes, but sometimes, it stops me from doing what I want.

Called Ryan not too long ago, after two years later. Hearing his voice again made me feel a little bit like home again, like how things were suppose to be.

Have been drowning in John Mayer songs lately. He is so amazing.

When I first saw that post up on Facebook, this immediate feeling just came over me right in the tummy like it was doing a backflip. Could it be some hidden message? Could it just be some general opinion? What if it is and what if it isn't? Oh gosh, there I go thinking too much again. If only humans could reformat their mind.

Stronger.

I was recently asked why I have my these stands in life that is almost ridiculous to practice during modern times like this, when I told the person what I firmly stood on. 

I've never question myself of why I had it. It sounds so impossible, even to me, but I know it will never lead me in the wrong way. Maybe I was brought up to follow rules strictly and if something bad happens, I have screwed up big time no matter the circumstances, even if isn't my fault. Maybe it is because I want to keep my record clean, so I can show people that I'm stronger than they are.

Or maybe I'm just too afraid of freedom. Every being yearns freedom. But freedom sounds too open and the vultures might come even though I'm the strongest. I'm too afraid to fall and no one would help me up, just because I'm old enough to all that. Taking chances wasn't what I was brought up on.

It is also there so I might inspire someone out there, one day. There will be freedom as long as I stand on these beliefs and nothing can go wrong. Hopefully one day, someone else might treasure it as if it's gold. Even if no one cares, I will still appear righteous before Him, holy.

oh why

I want to run away, somewhere far from here, and start everything again. Mistakes will not be repeated. Troubles will not be there. Everything is brand new. Record is clean. No one knows who you are. A lot of things are going through my mind and it's all jammed up. I don't know where to start. I'm probably thinking too much, but it is killing my thoughts.

I promised myself I don't want to feel like shit was thrown at my face again. Yet I still let myself fall. Someone should club me right in the head now. Never should have let my guard down.

You were right. Lesson after lesson, mistakes after another. Maybe that's why I'm building a wall.

Feel Again

Had one of the greatest afternoon ever. Ok, not 'ever', but in a long long long time. I needed this one.

Sipping on amazing coffee with a slice of cake on a bridge in the mall with great company. Talking for the whole afternoon is such an ideal way to spend a free Friday. I felt really nice, this break came at a perfect time cause everything was so routine, dull, and lifeless. See, one afternoon like this would make you remember it forever. There's still this feeling in my tummy that lingers.

All in all, this company of mine, was able to make me feel again.

Leave.

I can't stand it any more. I really want to move out. I'll crack under the pressure soon, if I don't get out. I've been taking it for years now, and I can't afford to take more. I honestly wish I had a mentor. I need to tell someone.

Imagine life without shit. Your shit.

You lose hope when prayers are not answered. But I don't blame God for it for He couldn't change someone if they don't want to.

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too. -John Mayer

Thoughts

The same constant idea I've been having lately. I want to travel. Nothing thrills me more than travelling. I'm saving up and I need to travel. I wanna travel and take pictures. If my audio business doesn't turn out well next time, I wanna just take all the money and travel, take pictures and tell stories. To meet people from everywhere. Drink all the coffee from every edge of the world. But I'm starting out small first. I want to backpack travel around the east coast of the US. And then slowly all 50 states. I've talked to Lydia. At least someone is willing to do something like this with me. East coast. Yeah, east.

I found my old camp booklet from 2004. I tried searching for all the friends I made when I was in that children's camp on Facebook. I am like sucha late bloomer, probably the worst you'll ever meet. Everyone is so tall and pretty and I'm still like........this. I feel inferior all the time. I might seem like I don't care but I do have self-esteem issues.

I have been dreaming about some person lately and it's really wrong. REALLY WRONG.

3.15am.

I miss my grammy. D':

I want to just spend and entire day with bubbles and glowsticks. Eat cakes and cookie ice cream. Sing my lungs out and sleep until I've had enough of it, which I never will.

Whatever situation I'm in, there's always a purpose behind it. I might as well face it and come out victorious. Might not, but I'm considered a fighter.

Another phase.

So how's it going? Semester 2 is ok. Assignments are piling up. I dislike all those horrible assignments. But I love it when it's with someone else, like those group projects. These few days I've been at lowest, crappiest, shittiest moods.

Now all my friends are studying overseas. Like everyone, it's my biggest dream to study overseas like everyone else too. I still remember those high school days, where LACC was my biggest dream. I would speed up my work, I sacrifice hours and hours of sleep to catch up and meet my target, I stopped going for useless events and I cut down on spending time with friends. LACC was the reason of what I did. And what happened? I stayed back. Oh, I love this college that I am in but the last time I had something to be excited about when I do things. I'm always thinking of what life is going to become when I get there. I was exposing myself more to the world an strangers, I was doing research and heck, I was even going on Google Maps to look at where I'm gonna be travelling in. I had a reason. Now, I'm just drifting on water. I don't have anything to look forward to. Nothing excites me. Life is getting horrible-r by the day. I see my friends going off and into a better future outside and I kill myself on the inside. I often ask myself why I never had the guts to do something I want for once in my life. I'm always listening to people and never taking risk and chances. Everyday I face the same challenges and this thought just haunts me every time. Yes, of course going out doesn't mean I wouldn't face challenges, but at least I would be somewhere I want to be, and be happy I'm there and facing challenge would be worth it when I overcome it. Maybe I'm also such a chicken to be afraid of taking risks. I think too much and everything just worries me. It just kills you, you know? If I have kids the next time, I would tell them to take risk and chances that come in your way. Cause it might just pass you and never come back. And if anything happens, they can feel free to come back, something they can bounce back on. At least they can have a taste of the world. Trust me, this would really haunt your entire life. This might sound really cheesy, but seriously, think about it. What if you died tomorrow? I don't think I would die a happy person.

I know, I know. I'm not suppose to think about it this way. But I'm sorry. I'm still pretty much human and I feel like shit all the time.

I hate the fact that I need people so much, how much I depend on them for everything. But when I wanna start doing things myself, people just don't trust me. They think somehow, I drive everything into a pile of mess and let them clean up after me. I feel so pathetic. I want people to depend on me and ability. Yes, it's ego speaking but it's how I feel. 

I sometimes feel so alone.

I know I'm not good enough, nor smart enough, or good in sports. I'm not pretty enough, neither am I the one that follows all the rules. But I'll just make sure I would never belittle someone like that. At least that makes me tad bit of a better person that you are. Lately, I've been telling myself I would be a better when I grow up an not end up you.

I'm pretty freaking screwed up. I'm trying to be like everyone else. I'm trying.

But whatever. This is a place where I could vent, at least just a little and empty whatever I have been feeling lately inside on paper --in this case blog -- and move on in life. :/

bitterheart.

Hi. I don't think anyone in their right mind would still be reading this abandoned blog but I feel like dropping by to see what it feels like again to type stuff. My life has been average. Currently, I'm going for driving classes. I passed my theory test so I'm real happy about it. Imma be driving SAAANN! Can't wait to hit the roads. College is starting soon, and I mean REAL soon. Pumped about that. I cannot stand another day not doing anything productive except working my underpaid job. I still moan everyday about the people I work with. I'm not racist or anything but this certain group of people are wired to be like this, hence, the nation today. Ugh, whatever. It's 2.03am and I'm still awake.

I don't know what to write because that how it is. Boring.

imy.

Bai. Till then. See you in another.........5 more months. ;D