Now all my friends are studying overseas. Like everyone, it's my biggest dream to study overseas like everyone else too. I still remember those high school days, where LACC was my biggest dream. I would speed up my work, I sacrifice hours and hours of sleep to catch up and meet my target, I stopped going for useless events and I cut down on spending time with friends. LACC was the reason of what I did. And what happened? I stayed back. Oh, I love this college that I am in but the last time I had something to be excited about when I do things. I'm always thinking of what life is going to become when I get there. I was exposing myself more to the world an strangers, I was doing research and heck, I was even going on Google Maps to look at where I'm gonna be travelling in. I had a reason. Now, I'm just drifting on water. I don't have anything to look forward to. Nothing excites me. Life is getting horrible-r by the day. I see my friends going off and into a better future outside and I kill myself on the inside. I often ask myself why I never had the guts to do something I want for once in my life. I'm always listening to people and never taking risk and chances. Everyday I face the same challenges and this thought just haunts me every time. Yes, of course going out doesn't mean I wouldn't face challenges, but at least I would be somewhere I want to be, and be happy I'm there and facing challenge would be worth it when I overcome it. Maybe I'm also such a chicken to be afraid of taking risks. I think too much and everything just worries me. It just kills you, you know? If I have kids the next time, I would tell them to take risk and chances that come in your way. Cause it might just pass you and never come back. And if anything happens, they can feel free to come back, something they can bounce back on. At least they can have a taste of the world. Trust me, this would really haunt your entire life. This might sound really cheesy, but seriously, think about it. What if you died tomorrow? I don't think I would die a happy person.
I know, I know. I'm not suppose to think about it this way. But I'm sorry. I'm still pretty much human and I feel like shit all the time.
I hate the fact that I need people so much, how much I depend on them for everything. But when I wanna start doing things myself, people just don't trust me. They think somehow, I drive everything into a pile of mess and let them clean up after me. I feel so pathetic. I want people to depend on me and ability. Yes, it's ego speaking but it's how I feel.
I sometimes feel so alone.
I know I'm not good enough, nor smart enough, or good in sports. I'm not pretty enough, neither am I the one that follows all the rules. But I'll just make sure I would never belittle someone like that. At least that makes me tad bit of a better person that you are. Lately, I've been telling myself I would be a better when I grow up an not end up you.
I'm pretty freaking screwed up. I'm trying to be like everyone else. I'm trying.
But whatever. This is a place where I could vent, at least just a little and empty whatever I have been feeling lately inside on paper --in this case blog -- and move on in life. :/
