So a lot has come and gone. Where was I? Let me see...I'm secured a freelance job with GA. To put it simply, I'm doing content for TV. Started that in November and got employed full time in March 2016.
I also started seeing a guy from work. We're great. I love him to death. We started out as table neighbours. (We sit next to each other at work) and just like that, unknowingly and unconsciously feel in love. No, it's not your fairytale love story. It's not easy. We're 13 years apart. He's been through a divorce, and he isn't a Christian. But beyond all odds, we've pulled through.
But that's besides the point. I'm not here to tell you our story. I'm here to clear my head before I call it a day. Isn't it why I'm here for?
It's May and so far it's been a crazy and hectic month for us. Work is piling up. They're coming in faster than they are being finished. It's up to our neck. Both of us broke down in the editing room yesterday. We hugged and cried in each other's arms. No, it's not because of work. Ok maybe work has a little part in it. But I think the stress of work and trying to keep us alive is really tough. He opens up and tells me his frustrations at work and dating me. Christian Asian parents aren't the easiest people to talk to when it comes to dating, based on his past and beliefs. He tells me how he wants to spend his time with me and he wants to give me his best. He tried to understand my situation but sometimes I drives him crazy that's why he is going back to gaming.
When all of this came out, I felt so bad and guilty for having him go through all this for me. Why me? He could have ended it and forget about all this and move on with someone easier for him. I felt I was being held responsible for his breakdown and his unhappiness. If it wasn't for me he could have been happier. Honestly, I felt as if he reason he stayed is for the sake of staying, without love of feelings anymore. I know I'm wrong and I sound ridiculous. I wasn't easy for me to hear all that but it was necessary.
Words play such an important part in relationships. Tonight I'm still reeling from what he told me last night. I don't want to be a burden. Neither do I want to go on if we are just going through the motion. I feel like he is doing this just because I'm there for him, that he doesn't actually love me. Yes I'm aware that I'm over analysing.
I'm also stressed trying not to be like his ex in my actions or remind him of her. But I'm not perfect.
It's so easy to just speak. You think they come and go. But the person on the other end are left to feel the weigh your words.
We are already 3 months in. The dust have settled. Butterflies are gone. Is this how it's suppose to feel? Is this a normal thing for couples? But at the end of the day, I will choose him. I will always choose him.
Before this, I always told myself when I will never over analyse like how other couples do. But I guess I'm still very much human. I'm taking things one day at a time. But above all else, I cannot love him more.
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