oh why

I want to run away, somewhere far from here, and start everything again. Mistakes will not be repeated. Troubles will not be there. Everything is brand new. Record is clean. No one knows who you are. A lot of things are going through my mind and it's all jammed up. I don't know where to start. I'm probably thinking too much, but it is killing my thoughts.

I promised myself I don't want to feel like shit was thrown at my face again. Yet I still let myself fall. Someone should club me right in the head now. Never should have let my guard down.

You were right. Lesson after lesson, mistakes after another. Maybe that's why I'm building a wall.

Feel Again

Had one of the greatest afternoon ever. Ok, not 'ever', but in a long long long time. I needed this one.

Sipping on amazing coffee with a slice of cake on a bridge in the mall with great company. Talking for the whole afternoon is such an ideal way to spend a free Friday. I felt really nice, this break came at a perfect time cause everything was so routine, dull, and lifeless. See, one afternoon like this would make you remember it forever. There's still this feeling in my tummy that lingers.

All in all, this company of mine, was able to make me feel again.

Leave.

I can't stand it any more. I really want to move out. I'll crack under the pressure soon, if I don't get out. I've been taking it for years now, and I can't afford to take more. I honestly wish I had a mentor. I need to tell someone.

Imagine life without shit. Your shit.

You lose hope when prayers are not answered. But I don't blame God for it for He couldn't change someone if they don't want to.

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too. -John Mayer

Thoughts

The same constant idea I've been having lately. I want to travel. Nothing thrills me more than travelling. I'm saving up and I need to travel. I wanna travel and take pictures. If my audio business doesn't turn out well next time, I wanna just take all the money and travel, take pictures and tell stories. To meet people from everywhere. Drink all the coffee from every edge of the world. But I'm starting out small first. I want to backpack travel around the east coast of the US. And then slowly all 50 states. I've talked to Lydia. At least someone is willing to do something like this with me. East coast. Yeah, east.

I found my old camp booklet from 2004. I tried searching for all the friends I made when I was in that children's camp on Facebook. I am like sucha late bloomer, probably the worst you'll ever meet. Everyone is so tall and pretty and I'm still like........this. I feel inferior all the time. I might seem like I don't care but I do have self-esteem issues.

I have been dreaming about some person lately and it's really wrong. REALLY WRONG.

3.15am.

I miss my grammy. D':

I want to just spend and entire day with bubbles and glowsticks. Eat cakes and cookie ice cream. Sing my lungs out and sleep until I've had enough of it, which I never will.

Whatever situation I'm in, there's always a purpose behind it. I might as well face it and come out victorious. Might not, but I'm considered a fighter.

Another phase.

So how's it going? Semester 2 is ok. Assignments are piling up. I dislike all those horrible assignments. But I love it when it's with someone else, like those group projects. These few days I've been at lowest, crappiest, shittiest moods.

Now all my friends are studying overseas. Like everyone, it's my biggest dream to study overseas like everyone else too. I still remember those high school days, where LACC was my biggest dream. I would speed up my work, I sacrifice hours and hours of sleep to catch up and meet my target, I stopped going for useless events and I cut down on spending time with friends. LACC was the reason of what I did. And what happened? I stayed back. Oh, I love this college that I am in but the last time I had something to be excited about when I do things. I'm always thinking of what life is going to become when I get there. I was exposing myself more to the world an strangers, I was doing research and heck, I was even going on Google Maps to look at where I'm gonna be travelling in. I had a reason. Now, I'm just drifting on water. I don't have anything to look forward to. Nothing excites me. Life is getting horrible-r by the day. I see my friends going off and into a better future outside and I kill myself on the inside. I often ask myself why I never had the guts to do something I want for once in my life. I'm always listening to people and never taking risk and chances. Everyday I face the same challenges and this thought just haunts me every time. Yes, of course going out doesn't mean I wouldn't face challenges, but at least I would be somewhere I want to be, and be happy I'm there and facing challenge would be worth it when I overcome it. Maybe I'm also such a chicken to be afraid of taking risks. I think too much and everything just worries me. It just kills you, you know? If I have kids the next time, I would tell them to take risk and chances that come in your way. Cause it might just pass you and never come back. And if anything happens, they can feel free to come back, something they can bounce back on. At least they can have a taste of the world. Trust me, this would really haunt your entire life. This might sound really cheesy, but seriously, think about it. What if you died tomorrow? I don't think I would die a happy person.

I know, I know. I'm not suppose to think about it this way. But I'm sorry. I'm still pretty much human and I feel like shit all the time.

I hate the fact that I need people so much, how much I depend on them for everything. But when I wanna start doing things myself, people just don't trust me. They think somehow, I drive everything into a pile of mess and let them clean up after me. I feel so pathetic. I want people to depend on me and ability. Yes, it's ego speaking but it's how I feel. 

I sometimes feel so alone.

I know I'm not good enough, nor smart enough, or good in sports. I'm not pretty enough, neither am I the one that follows all the rules. But I'll just make sure I would never belittle someone like that. At least that makes me tad bit of a better person that you are. Lately, I've been telling myself I would be a better when I grow up an not end up you.

I'm pretty freaking screwed up. I'm trying to be like everyone else. I'm trying.

But whatever. This is a place where I could vent, at least just a little and empty whatever I have been feeling lately inside on paper --in this case blog -- and move on in life. :/

bitterheart.

Hi. I don't think anyone in their right mind would still be reading this abandoned blog but I feel like dropping by to see what it feels like again to type stuff. My life has been average. Currently, I'm going for driving classes. I passed my theory test so I'm real happy about it. Imma be driving SAAANN! Can't wait to hit the roads. College is starting soon, and I mean REAL soon. Pumped about that. I cannot stand another day not doing anything productive except working my underpaid job. I still moan everyday about the people I work with. I'm not racist or anything but this certain group of people are wired to be like this, hence, the nation today. Ugh, whatever. It's 2.03am and I'm still awake.

I don't know what to write because that how it is. Boring.

imy.

Bai. Till then. See you in another.........5 more months. ;D

Random thoughts.

Hi. I'm back, not for long. I'm here to keep this thing alive. So, A LOT of things happened. I can't recall everything but recently, I'm done with school. DONE WITH SCHOOL. I thank God for being with me through every step of the way. I know without Him I think I won't be done till next year. I can still remember telling myself this is not gonna end, like it's gonna go on forever and ever when I first came in few years ago in Klang. Well, that's because I was 15 when I came in and I started off at Grade 5 and 6. Now I'm done. So I'm content. Even though I was expecting more from myself. And I really miss school. Those of you who know me, knows that I wanna get out of school as soon as possible. But now I'm out, I miss it. Sucks for me.

And just a few hours ago I finally received my call from Starbucks. My first interview is at 5.30pm tomorrow. Finally. I've been waiting for their calls forever. I'm really excited at the same time scared of what is gonna be ask. I really really want the job. Uh, I'm offered a job in McD's. Well, that's because Dad forced me to sign up for it. It was a backup plan just in case Starbucks didn't want me. I hope and pray that I get the job. I. Need. Money. So if you guys are around the corner in Klang or coming to Klang, you guys can come drop by Jusco Bukit Raja and come visit me ok. That's of course if I get that job.

I recently watched Smurf with Mr. Nicholas and Ms. Cath. It wasn't as bad as what I was expecting.

I need to go out with so many people

I need to eat Bak Kut Teh. I'm so close yet so far.

You know, I have this crazy plan of saving up a portion of my money to go to America for a short while, maybe for a vacation in Maryland, where my aunt lives. Hmmmmm...

Ryan's getting me to write my list of what I wanna do after school. I don't know, really. Get me lamps. I laike lamps.

I pray that you're not a jerk, like how all your friends are. It hard for me to think of you as a douchebag.

I really really wanna get that job. I get employee's discount. And it's crazy.

Oh yeah, have I forgotten? Abby's party was a blast. :) Except the fact that I had to wear a stinkin' dress. Oh oh! I got to talk to Jon Teh. He called from Colorado. I miss you buddyyyyyyyy.

Abby, I wanna watch a movie. D: We go with buffalo Elena k?

I miss you Pumpkin Pie.

I wish it would rain more.

Ok. See yall again. Bai.

I hope I get that job.


I want that job.