Realization

Last Saturday, I had to help a friend by replacing her shift, which was the night shift because she was going back to her hometown. And if you don't know me, I hardly pick night shift on the days I work because I don't like it at all. I will avoid it at all cost. Once in a while, I will have no choice but to do that shift. But that Saturday night was something special. It was exhausting, like how it usually is, but something made it enjoyable.

This is usually not the case, but during that night shift my co-workers are actually my friends. Yes, I see them a lot and work with them like every Saturday of the month, but I hardly talk to them or laugh with them. I just basically don't connect with them because of 1. the English-Bahasa Melayu language barrier and 2. I also believe there is some form of racism involved. But as I try to care less and let my guard down a little, there was something nice, some connection that I never had with my co-workers. By me doing that, my co-workers too opened up. And for the first time, I really do enjoy these bunch of people that I'm working with.

You see, this thought hit me as I was doing my usual stuff at work. Sometime ago, I was someone that I could say, thought of people and I'd go the extra mile for them. Or when I have something I know I will not truly enjoy, I would give it to someone else that I know will appreciate it more than I do, even though I fully deserved and worked hard for it. And when I do, no one appreciates them or even come back to say thank you or even think of me. Hence, as human as I am, I get mad and hurt and walls will be built. I stop thinking of people and more of myself and what I want, or what I deserve, even if it's something I know will go to waste if it was with me. I stop giving. I stop caring. I stop putting in effort. Because I didn't want people to think I was to clingy or obsessive. 

I realized that it doesn't matter if no one cared. That is their problem and I feel sorry for them because they can't appreciate little blessings they get in their life. If I want to give, I give and don't think about it, don't even think about what is coming back. I feel amazing and my whole day is blessed when I do something selfless, and I will do it. For I know someday, my return will come. I need not worry about that. If it doesn't kill me or cause harm to me, I will give. My guard is down, my wall is slowly crumbling. I enjoy doing things more. I enjoy people more. I enjoy moments more. I enjoy life more. It's this heavenly euphoria moves me, it made me enjoy this night shift I had.

I'm forever grateful.

Eye on the prize

I have this constant, longing impulse to travel. It's always there in the back of my head to go out. Travelling and taking pictures is all I've ever wanted to do. I'm not talking about doing those luxurious travelling, but backpack travelling, only through that I can only soak up the culture and do see a particular place how locals see them. I need a freakin travel buddy, damn it! I'm saving up now for my travelling plans. I'm giving up buy so many things just for this. I'm slowly letting go of grooming for this, not personal hygiene of course. I cannot emphasize enough how my entire boy is itching to see the world. ARGH *smashes head against the keyboard*

Overthinking

Been on an emotional and mental roller coaster the past few days. Like seriously. It is tiring and thorough. It has also made me go for jogs to take my mind off things, which I have been slacking for over a year now. Girls overthink too much. We jump into conclusions, and that makes us think harder of fixing it or do something about it, which we don't even know if it's true.

I'm brought up with parents that have really old-schooled mindset. I think it's good sometimes, but sometimes, it stops me from doing what I want.

Called Ryan not too long ago, after two years later. Hearing his voice again made me feel a little bit like home again, like how things were suppose to be.

Have been drowning in John Mayer songs lately. He is so amazing.

When I first saw that post up on Facebook, this immediate feeling just came over me right in the tummy like it was doing a backflip. Could it be some hidden message? Could it just be some general opinion? What if it is and what if it isn't? Oh gosh, there I go thinking too much again. If only humans could reformat their mind.

Stronger.

I was recently asked why I have my these stands in life that is almost ridiculous to practice during modern times like this, when I told the person what I firmly stood on. 

I've never question myself of why I had it. It sounds so impossible, even to me, but I know it will never lead me in the wrong way. Maybe I was brought up to follow rules strictly and if something bad happens, I have screwed up big time no matter the circumstances, even if isn't my fault. Maybe it is because I want to keep my record clean, so I can show people that I'm stronger than they are.

Or maybe I'm just too afraid of freedom. Every being yearns freedom. But freedom sounds too open and the vultures might come even though I'm the strongest. I'm too afraid to fall and no one would help me up, just because I'm old enough to all that. Taking chances wasn't what I was brought up on.

It is also there so I might inspire someone out there, one day. There will be freedom as long as I stand on these beliefs and nothing can go wrong. Hopefully one day, someone else might treasure it as if it's gold. Even if no one cares, I will still appear righteous before Him, holy.

oh why

I want to run away, somewhere far from here, and start everything again. Mistakes will not be repeated. Troubles will not be there. Everything is brand new. Record is clean. No one knows who you are. A lot of things are going through my mind and it's all jammed up. I don't know where to start. I'm probably thinking too much, but it is killing my thoughts.

I promised myself I don't want to feel like shit was thrown at my face again. Yet I still let myself fall. Someone should club me right in the head now. Never should have let my guard down.

You were right. Lesson after lesson, mistakes after another. Maybe that's why I'm building a wall.

Feel Again

Had one of the greatest afternoon ever. Ok, not 'ever', but in a long long long time. I needed this one.

Sipping on amazing coffee with a slice of cake on a bridge in the mall with great company. Talking for the whole afternoon is such an ideal way to spend a free Friday. I felt really nice, this break came at a perfect time cause everything was so routine, dull, and lifeless. See, one afternoon like this would make you remember it forever. There's still this feeling in my tummy that lingers.

All in all, this company of mine, was able to make me feel again.

Leave.

I can't stand it any more. I really want to move out. I'll crack under the pressure soon, if I don't get out. I've been taking it for years now, and I can't afford to take more. I honestly wish I had a mentor. I need to tell someone.

Imagine life without shit. Your shit.

You lose hope when prayers are not answered. But I don't blame God for it for He couldn't change someone if they don't want to.

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too. -John Mayer