I wanna eat.

How are things doing on your side? I'm doing good, so far so good.

So it's my second year now, and final year in college. Semester 3 is treating me well so far. Subjects are less brutal. 

I miss gran. But I know now she is safely in heaven.

My appetite has gone down. I lost 2 kilos. And I thought I was suppose to gain some calories over Christmas and all. Blehhh.

I have so many things I want to say, but I'm now lost for words. Only my spirit knows. 

I wanna run off a cliff.

noideawhatimdoing

SOOOOO. How have things been. I just feel like being casual and random, because that's what I haven't been lately.

Ghosting was playing in church today. It was a good one. Which reminds me that I haven't been involved in any Christmas plays in years. Looking at the plays makes me feel so nostalgic. 

I wonder how is people doing back in FGA. Hmmmmm. Nomnomnomnom.

I just bought my first ever roll of negative film for myself. Super stoked. My Lee will be doing some snapping soon. Need to go visit coffee shops more. :)

I was just talking about Mr. X. The fact that it still haunts me till very day, is doing too well on me. Right now.

I felt sick just a few days ago. Mehhh. With the sore throat, and runny nose, and fever. Oh gosh. aksjdfhkasjfhlasfd

Oh oh! Big Bad Wolf was AMAZING. I bought 7 books. Two books about Italy. I finally have something I know would help me when I'm over there. If I ever go over with Pavithra. 

I'm in the mood for some sushi now.

I'm sorry for being as random as I am. I'm just jotting down whatever I feel. I feel so ADHD. HAHAH! :D

I'm gonna work on Christmas. 3x the regular hourly pay. Man. I need that extra cash.

Expressing over espresso

I feel like it's probably time for me to start blogging again. I told myself I have to document this moment since it first happened, but I keep forgetting to. So now while I can still remember, I will do it, even though it is 3.30 in the morning.

So one nice Saturday while at work, in comes this Caucasian guy with his Filipino looking girlfriend and he was super tall, wearing a vintage maroon dress suit. He ordered what most Caucasian people order when they come to the store, a double espresso. It was only me and Kelly in the bar at the time he came in, an no offence, but Kelly cannot make good espresso shots. So I told her that I was gonna pull the espresso when I'm done with the transaction. I don't know, I might be wrong but I think Caucasians drink a lot of espressos so they could tell the difference between a good one and a bad one. With that in mind, I carefully made my shot because it would be so so SO embarrassing if it wasn't perfect. It was done, I poured them into a little cup and served it. I told him, like how I tell all  my customers, that if he had any feedback, he could feel free to come and let me know. He took it, said thanks, and went on with his business while I went on with mine.

A short while later, he came back to the serving counter. Kelly was there. She asked him if he needed anything else, he said he wanted to give a feedback. My immediate thought was "Oh gosh, he's gonna complain about how bad it tasted and it's gonna be so embarrassing cause I'm the one making it. blablablabla." And he said it was perfect and it tasted amazing. I'm like WHHHAATT? I was flabbergasted. Literally, I couldn't find my words. No one has complimented my espressos,ever and he did. I cannot think, my brain wasn't functioning and my tongue was all twisted. I finally said thank you seconds after being in that state of shock. He said it was so good, he came back for more. This time just a single shot. Another double will make him all twitchy. So I made the shot the second time around, this time a single. And it also tasted perfect.

It was probably the best compliment I've ever gotten in my life about my coffee skills. After he left, I was on cloud 9. Kelly too. But hers was more about his looks. Looks like all the training and practicing finally paid off. My superiors should be proud of me, even though I didn't tell them instead Kelly was going on about his looks. I sure am proud of myself. Nothing beats getting the credits of worth on my honed skills. More to come, more to come. :)

I haunt my thoughts

Never one day I stop thinking what would I be now if I had more courage. Courage to learn, courage to change, courage to live, courage to give, courage to speak, courage to love, courage to look.

I also never stop thinking of travelling. I can't wait for the Big Bad Wolf sale, coming this December. Collection of travel books will be mine.

I'm learning Italian. Just started yesterday. Learning a new language is really tough, especially when there's no one to practice with and it's self thought. I'll see how that turns out.

Mm. Italy. I'm so inspired.

Went for Food Handling Class today. I was extremely boring. I mean it could be worst. Thank God for class clowns. There was 3, so you could imagine it was a concentration of fools in a class of 15 people. Oh yeah, almost 15 months working, NOW they're sending us for Food Handling Classes. Probably means I have contaminated thousand of customer's food. 

I don't wanna go back to college.

Realization

Last Saturday, I had to help a friend by replacing her shift, which was the night shift because she was going back to her hometown. And if you don't know me, I hardly pick night shift on the days I work because I don't like it at all. I will avoid it at all cost. Once in a while, I will have no choice but to do that shift. But that Saturday night was something special. It was exhausting, like how it usually is, but something made it enjoyable.

This is usually not the case, but during that night shift my co-workers are actually my friends. Yes, I see them a lot and work with them like every Saturday of the month, but I hardly talk to them or laugh with them. I just basically don't connect with them because of 1. the English-Bahasa Melayu language barrier and 2. I also believe there is some form of racism involved. But as I try to care less and let my guard down a little, there was something nice, some connection that I never had with my co-workers. By me doing that, my co-workers too opened up. And for the first time, I really do enjoy these bunch of people that I'm working with.

You see, this thought hit me as I was doing my usual stuff at work. Sometime ago, I was someone that I could say, thought of people and I'd go the extra mile for them. Or when I have something I know I will not truly enjoy, I would give it to someone else that I know will appreciate it more than I do, even though I fully deserved and worked hard for it. And when I do, no one appreciates them or even come back to say thank you or even think of me. Hence, as human as I am, I get mad and hurt and walls will be built. I stop thinking of people and more of myself and what I want, or what I deserve, even if it's something I know will go to waste if it was with me. I stop giving. I stop caring. I stop putting in effort. Because I didn't want people to think I was to clingy or obsessive. 

I realized that it doesn't matter if no one cared. That is their problem and I feel sorry for them because they can't appreciate little blessings they get in their life. If I want to give, I give and don't think about it, don't even think about what is coming back. I feel amazing and my whole day is blessed when I do something selfless, and I will do it. For I know someday, my return will come. I need not worry about that. If it doesn't kill me or cause harm to me, I will give. My guard is down, my wall is slowly crumbling. I enjoy doing things more. I enjoy people more. I enjoy moments more. I enjoy life more. It's this heavenly euphoria moves me, it made me enjoy this night shift I had.

I'm forever grateful.

Eye on the prize

I have this constant, longing impulse to travel. It's always there in the back of my head to go out. Travelling and taking pictures is all I've ever wanted to do. I'm not talking about doing those luxurious travelling, but backpack travelling, only through that I can only soak up the culture and do see a particular place how locals see them. I need a freakin travel buddy, damn it! I'm saving up now for my travelling plans. I'm giving up buy so many things just for this. I'm slowly letting go of grooming for this, not personal hygiene of course. I cannot emphasize enough how my entire boy is itching to see the world. ARGH *smashes head against the keyboard*

Overthinking

Been on an emotional and mental roller coaster the past few days. Like seriously. It is tiring and thorough. It has also made me go for jogs to take my mind off things, which I have been slacking for over a year now. Girls overthink too much. We jump into conclusions, and that makes us think harder of fixing it or do something about it, which we don't even know if it's true.

I'm brought up with parents that have really old-schooled mindset. I think it's good sometimes, but sometimes, it stops me from doing what I want.

Called Ryan not too long ago, after two years later. Hearing his voice again made me feel a little bit like home again, like how things were suppose to be.

Have been drowning in John Mayer songs lately. He is so amazing.

When I first saw that post up on Facebook, this immediate feeling just came over me right in the tummy like it was doing a backflip. Could it be some hidden message? Could it just be some general opinion? What if it is and what if it isn't? Oh gosh, there I go thinking too much again. If only humans could reformat their mind.