Overthinking

Been on an emotional and mental roller coaster the past few days. Like seriously. It is tiring and thorough. It has also made me go for jogs to take my mind off things, which I have been slacking for over a year now. Girls overthink too much. We jump into conclusions, and that makes us think harder of fixing it or do something about it, which we don't even know if it's true.

I'm brought up with parents that have really old-schooled mindset. I think it's good sometimes, but sometimes, it stops me from doing what I want.

Called Ryan not too long ago, after two years later. Hearing his voice again made me feel a little bit like home again, like how things were suppose to be.

Have been drowning in John Mayer songs lately. He is so amazing.

When I first saw that post up on Facebook, this immediate feeling just came over me right in the tummy like it was doing a backflip. Could it be some hidden message? Could it just be some general opinion? What if it is and what if it isn't? Oh gosh, there I go thinking too much again. If only humans could reformat their mind.

Stronger.

I was recently asked why I have my these stands in life that is almost ridiculous to practice during modern times like this, when I told the person what I firmly stood on. 

I've never question myself of why I had it. It sounds so impossible, even to me, but I know it will never lead me in the wrong way. Maybe I was brought up to follow rules strictly and if something bad happens, I have screwed up big time no matter the circumstances, even if isn't my fault. Maybe it is because I want to keep my record clean, so I can show people that I'm stronger than they are.

Or maybe I'm just too afraid of freedom. Every being yearns freedom. But freedom sounds too open and the vultures might come even though I'm the strongest. I'm too afraid to fall and no one would help me up, just because I'm old enough to all that. Taking chances wasn't what I was brought up on.

It is also there so I might inspire someone out there, one day. There will be freedom as long as I stand on these beliefs and nothing can go wrong. Hopefully one day, someone else might treasure it as if it's gold. Even if no one cares, I will still appear righteous before Him, holy.

oh why

I want to run away, somewhere far from here, and start everything again. Mistakes will not be repeated. Troubles will not be there. Everything is brand new. Record is clean. No one knows who you are. A lot of things are going through my mind and it's all jammed up. I don't know where to start. I'm probably thinking too much, but it is killing my thoughts.

I promised myself I don't want to feel like shit was thrown at my face again. Yet I still let myself fall. Someone should club me right in the head now. Never should have let my guard down.

You were right. Lesson after lesson, mistakes after another. Maybe that's why I'm building a wall.

Feel Again

Had one of the greatest afternoon ever. Ok, not 'ever', but in a long long long time. I needed this one.

Sipping on amazing coffee with a slice of cake on a bridge in the mall with great company. Talking for the whole afternoon is such an ideal way to spend a free Friday. I felt really nice, this break came at a perfect time cause everything was so routine, dull, and lifeless. See, one afternoon like this would make you remember it forever. There's still this feeling in my tummy that lingers.

All in all, this company of mine, was able to make me feel again.

Leave.

I can't stand it any more. I really want to move out. I'll crack under the pressure soon, if I don't get out. I've been taking it for years now, and I can't afford to take more. I honestly wish I had a mentor. I need to tell someone.

Imagine life without shit. Your shit.

You lose hope when prayers are not answered. But I don't blame God for it for He couldn't change someone if they don't want to.

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too. -John Mayer

Thoughts

The same constant idea I've been having lately. I want to travel. Nothing thrills me more than travelling. I'm saving up and I need to travel. I wanna travel and take pictures. If my audio business doesn't turn out well next time, I wanna just take all the money and travel, take pictures and tell stories. To meet people from everywhere. Drink all the coffee from every edge of the world. But I'm starting out small first. I want to backpack travel around the east coast of the US. And then slowly all 50 states. I've talked to Lydia. At least someone is willing to do something like this with me. East coast. Yeah, east.

I found my old camp booklet from 2004. I tried searching for all the friends I made when I was in that children's camp on Facebook. I am like sucha late bloomer, probably the worst you'll ever meet. Everyone is so tall and pretty and I'm still like........this. I feel inferior all the time. I might seem like I don't care but I do have self-esteem issues.

I have been dreaming about some person lately and it's really wrong. REALLY WRONG.

3.15am.

I miss my grammy. D':

I want to just spend and entire day with bubbles and glowsticks. Eat cakes and cookie ice cream. Sing my lungs out and sleep until I've had enough of it, which I never will.

Whatever situation I'm in, there's always a purpose behind it. I might as well face it and come out victorious. Might not, but I'm considered a fighter.

Another phase.

So how's it going? Semester 2 is ok. Assignments are piling up. I dislike all those horrible assignments. But I love it when it's with someone else, like those group projects. These few days I've been at lowest, crappiest, shittiest moods.

Now all my friends are studying overseas. Like everyone, it's my biggest dream to study overseas like everyone else too. I still remember those high school days, where LACC was my biggest dream. I would speed up my work, I sacrifice hours and hours of sleep to catch up and meet my target, I stopped going for useless events and I cut down on spending time with friends. LACC was the reason of what I did. And what happened? I stayed back. Oh, I love this college that I am in but the last time I had something to be excited about when I do things. I'm always thinking of what life is going to become when I get there. I was exposing myself more to the world an strangers, I was doing research and heck, I was even going on Google Maps to look at where I'm gonna be travelling in. I had a reason. Now, I'm just drifting on water. I don't have anything to look forward to. Nothing excites me. Life is getting horrible-r by the day. I see my friends going off and into a better future outside and I kill myself on the inside. I often ask myself why I never had the guts to do something I want for once in my life. I'm always listening to people and never taking risk and chances. Everyday I face the same challenges and this thought just haunts me every time. Yes, of course going out doesn't mean I wouldn't face challenges, but at least I would be somewhere I want to be, and be happy I'm there and facing challenge would be worth it when I overcome it. Maybe I'm also such a chicken to be afraid of taking risks. I think too much and everything just worries me. It just kills you, you know? If I have kids the next time, I would tell them to take risk and chances that come in your way. Cause it might just pass you and never come back. And if anything happens, they can feel free to come back, something they can bounce back on. At least they can have a taste of the world. Trust me, this would really haunt your entire life. This might sound really cheesy, but seriously, think about it. What if you died tomorrow? I don't think I would die a happy person.

I know, I know. I'm not suppose to think about it this way. But I'm sorry. I'm still pretty much human and I feel like shit all the time.

I hate the fact that I need people so much, how much I depend on them for everything. But when I wanna start doing things myself, people just don't trust me. They think somehow, I drive everything into a pile of mess and let them clean up after me. I feel so pathetic. I want people to depend on me and ability. Yes, it's ego speaking but it's how I feel. 

I sometimes feel so alone.

I know I'm not good enough, nor smart enough, or good in sports. I'm not pretty enough, neither am I the one that follows all the rules. But I'll just make sure I would never belittle someone like that. At least that makes me tad bit of a better person that you are. Lately, I've been telling myself I would be a better when I grow up an not end up you.

I'm pretty freaking screwed up. I'm trying to be like everyone else. I'm trying.

But whatever. This is a place where I could vent, at least just a little and empty whatever I have been feeling lately inside on paper --in this case blog -- and move on in life. :/