Words

It's almost like a form of therapy, for everytime I come back, it need to vent, to clear my head and analyse my thoughts into words. It's almost like I intentionally want to remember my frustrations and worries. Maybe I do...

So a lot has come and gone. Where was I? Let me see...I'm secured a freelance job with GA. To put it simply, I'm doing content for TV. Started that in November and got employed full time in March 2016.

I also started seeing a guy from work. We're great. I love him to death. We started out as table neighbours. (We sit next to each other at work) and just like that, unknowingly and unconsciously feel in love. No, it's not your fairytale love story. It's not easy. We're 13 years apart. He's been through a divorce, and he isn't a Christian. But beyond all odds, we've pulled through. 

But that's besides the point. I'm not here to tell you our story. I'm here to clear my head before I call it a day. Isn't it why I'm here for?

It's May and so far it's been a crazy and hectic month for us. Work is piling up. They're coming in faster than they are being finished. It's up to our neck. Both of us broke down in the editing room yesterday. We hugged and cried in each other's arms. No, it's not because of work. Ok maybe work has a little part in it. But I think the stress of work and trying to keep us alive is really tough. He opens up and tells me his frustrations at work and dating me. Christian Asian parents aren't the easiest people to talk to when it comes to dating, based on his past and beliefs. He tells me how he wants to spend his time with me and he wants to give me his best. He tried to understand my situation but sometimes I drives him crazy that's why he is going back to gaming.

When all of this came out, I felt so bad and guilty for having him go through all this for me. Why me? He could have ended it and forget about all this and move on with someone easier for him. I felt I was being held responsible for his breakdown and his unhappiness. If it wasn't for me he could have been happier. Honestly, I felt as if he reason he stayed is for the sake of staying, without love of feelings anymore. I know I'm wrong and I sound ridiculous. I wasn't easy for me to hear all that but it was necessary.

Words play such an important part in relationships. Tonight I'm still reeling from what he told me last night. I don't want to be a burden. Neither do I want to go on if we are just going through the motion. I feel like he is doing this just because I'm there for him, that he doesn't actually love me. Yes I'm aware that I'm over analysing.

I'm also stressed trying not to be like his ex in my actions or remind him of her. But I'm not perfect. 

It's so easy to just speak. You think they come and go. But the person on the other end are left to feel the weigh your words.

We are already 3 months in. The dust have settled. Butterflies are gone. Is this how it's suppose to feel? Is this a normal thing for couples? But at the end of the day, I will choose him. I will always choose him.

Before this, I always told myself when I will never over analyse like how other couples do. But I guess I'm still very much human. I'm taking things one day at a time. But above all else, I cannot love him more.

Updates.

Sorry for the long, long hiatus. Yes, I was lazy to update, or do anything for that matter. Nothing much happened since the last September. Let me see how I can summarize everything... UH, I got employed on Oct '13 and got laid off on Apr '14. I finished college on Feb '14. I'm still in the process of finishing dreadful assignments. Choir camp was on the start of May '14, and it was amazing! Grandma moved in for exactly 2 months and then moved to a nursing home because there was so much drama going on. I shall not explain that. Not to forget, it was extremely refreshing to go on a Facebook detox or a cleansing for a month. You'll see the world differently, trust me. Everyone should try it one day. I wish I could do it again. I can't now because I have so much school work and church stuff going on on Facebook, I cannot afford to do it.

But the main reason I am back here is to rant. That is right. I'm coming back to you to vent. I need to do it. Call me anything you want, but I'm going to crack under the pressure if I don't. I will not elaborate any further because it's gonna take awhile if I told you the whole story.

I have so much going on in my head I don't know how to form my thoughts into words. All mixed feelings, jumbled up and stirred. All just a bunch of thoughts turned on at the same time... It's like its happening again. The time span was also about the same. I don't know who is the problem here.

Have you wondered why you started something in the first place? If so, is your answer now still the same as before? Was quitting even an option when you first started? Then why is it the only option (besides merely holding on, surviving for the sake of it) now? Is the fight worth it? Is there a reward coming out from that struggle? Holding on. What if I let go? Am I going to regret my decision? And what if I hold on just a little longer? Is it going to be just a waste of time and effort? Have you considered if you are emotionally attached to the situation, are you willing to let go and not ignore how broken you are inside? etc. etc.

This is what is going on in my tiny head recently.

Screw being a girl.

Decisions

Have you ever been so torn between to options? You proceed to choose what you think is perfect for the situation and then go home wondering what would happened if you took the other way and immediately regret your decision? I don't know if it happens to myself or am I the ONLY one exist that thinking about stuff like this? For the entire week, that's me right there. I wish my choices were better. The problem is, the choices I make during the situation at the moment is what I feel is best for THAT moment. I'm just never satisfy with whatever I have or whatever I have done.

I think I should start blogging more.

I recently deactivated my Facebook account. And no, the post above isn't talking about reactivating it again. I need to do it. I have been considering it for months now and hey, it's a new month, so I need to try something for a change. Too many reasons to do it. For now I'm handling it just fine. I hope it doesn't feel like I'm cold turkey-ing in days to come. Oh trust me, the pangs are gonna come and I'm gonna persuade myself to reactivate it. But I shall resist.

Emerge 2013 just ended on Sept 1. I was a long long journey but it was a bittersweet moment. I'm happy it's finally over but it ended right when I'm getting use to the busyness. It was great. VU won, obviously. We bagged a gold in POS from the defending champion in God know's how many consecutive years so it was kinda like a breakthrough for us. But I made many, many new friends, I can hardly remember all their names. Oh I got to see Nick Vujicic live. That was definitely cool. What a marvelous man of God . Monster faith. Now most of us just have to get use to no doing anything after church again, also known as Post Emerge Syndrome.

OK. Bye.

Need to stop!

Ok, the truth is, I still beat myself up because of the mistakes I made. Yes, everyone falls; no one is perfect. But I still judge myself too much. And I am perfectly aware that it stops me from loving God and other people with my entire heart, I've done so many mistakes and I constantly feel like I deserve all these troubles and that God is and forever will be disappointed with me. Of course, I know it's all a lie, but I just couldn't help it. I feel it, and I blog it down.

At times, I feel like I can overcome anything hurled at me, but some of the times, the only thing I'm hanging onto is His Word and promises that I hope will be real some day.

I need strength, please God. Bring me through this. I feel so alone. It really isn't easy, but I know I will get over it. The question is, when?

One thing I thank God for: amazing Christian bloggers. :)

Glorified weakness

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

2 Corinthians 12:9

Day 27. Every day is a challenge. There no consistency. One day I'm perfectly fine handling my troubles and issues, the other I just want to stay home, turn up the A/C, cuddle in bed and sleep until dinner. But at the end of the day, my Heavenly Father was always there for me. Blessed me with friends and family, with things that half of the kids in this world are no fortunate enough to own -- even though I don't get whatever I want, and sustaining me physically and mentally.

But still, I've been 'off' for 27 days now. Not a day is gone without thinking about it, how I screwed up. I feel so ashamed of it, to embarrassed to tell anyone besides a friend that have already went through what I am facing. I've prayed and ask God why. Was it me? Was it that person fault?

And it hit my today. The Bible says that in our downfall, God is being glorified. When I first meditated on the verse, God seems kinda cruel. One way God is glorified is to put us into embarrassment. And wham! Revelation. It all comes down to our human pride. You see, I cannot lose control of any situation. I need to be constantly in control. And when things go out of hand, not only everything I do goes down, but my pride goes down with me too. I hide and wouldn't let people see or know how vulnerable I am in that time.

God does not judge us. When we fall, all He wants us to do is to run back to Him. Lay in His embrace, let His peace comfort us. How would He work in us and teach us, if we don't fall? It is only through my weaknesses that His glory is made whole in my life. It is through the mistakes I made that I would feel His grace and mercy surrounding me, and because of my Father, I am a stronger person, spiritually and mentally.

He is still working on me. I am still in the process of true healing and experiencing perfect peace. And all I need was His Word and assurance to carry me through. So in the future, He will be glorified when I use what I faced and conquered to help somebody. Another life touched.

Too awkward

I feel like I need to blog more these days. Jot things down, it's good for my restless mind.

So you know those awkward situations you get? I hate those moments. I hate being awkward when I'm aware that a week ago, being awkward with that particular person was in my dictionary. It NEVER happens when I'm talking to that person.

Relationships are so easily ruin just by words, be it friendships or boy-girl relationships. Shows how much power words carry. I often think that I can just brush it off, you know, live with it. But as time passes, these little actions and words accumulate into a pile and becomes something I cannot live with any longer and I decide to shut it out, both the words and the person that said those words.

And that sucks because you have just lost a best friend. Acquaintance again?

When things change...

Just when I thought everything was going the way it should be, one thing screws up and everything is just back to square one. I blame it on myself, for not being good enough, or maybe the effort I invested just isn't enough. The thing is, when or what is enough? I am at a lost.

I believe everything happens for a reason. Everything that turns out, good or bad, is for His glory and for our good. He knows me best. All I have to do, is look to Him. Ask Him where to go from here.

I am so constantly selfish, only wanting the best for myself. We always assume what is best for us is parallel to what He knows is best for us? And when it screws up, we just give up and blame God for not being there to protect us or guard us or whatever. However most of the time, what WE think is best for us is not necessarily aligned to His will. There are things I've always avoided, assuming that it was His plan and I want it to be manifested in my life, which also is like staying within my comfort zone. Being as human as I am, I start to wander out of that zone, hence making me more vulnerable to fall. And when I fall, I constantly tell myself that have 'fallen' out of his will or plan for my life and I blame myself and God, at the same time.

But what I think is what we are doing is being our own god. We plan things like we are god and expect His plans to go along with our plans. That's not the case. There is a reason for everything. Nothing happens by accident. He already knew what was coming. You see, God can use any situation I am in, for His glory. Everyday He never stops teaching me. He uses my life lessons and teach me to be wiser, but also to run to Him to ask for His wisdom and understanding. His Word is a Lamp unto my feet, and a Light unto my path. So when we fall, yes it might be the cause of sin, but thank God for His grace we are still His beloved.

It sucks, big time. But I know he is doing something, somewhere, for His glory.